You are still very young some studies a few years ago suggested that adolescence lasts until the mid 20s – that the prefrontal cortex of the brain is still developing until then. But I don’t know anyone who hasn’t felt as you do, especially in those tender early-adult years when you have left home. Although I can’t tell you that you will find someone, the overwhelming probability is that you will (it sounds as if that is what you want). You are dwelling on your past relationship because it has not – yet – been replaced by anything. I didn’t realise that this feeling was in me, despite who I was with, and that, as I grew as a person and in confidence, and as I made my way in the world, everything would shift – for the better. I always felt like I was on the outside, looking in. I spent much of my 20s feeling lonely, even in relationships, sometimes at my own family dinner table. What sort of mental health issues? What triggered them? What were your childhood and adolescence like? What are the relationships like between you and your family? All of this can affect how you feel about yourself, but there was no mention of family or upbringing in your longer letter.
Break up with your girlfriend full#
Your letter was thoughtful and full of self-awareness, but I found myself itching to know more about your past. I could have written a similar letter when I was your age. I am sorry if this sounds melodramatic or solipsistic at 25, I know I should have moved past these feelings, but they hang over me every day. When I think about my life, the sheer implausibility of finding another short-term partner – let alone a long‑term relationship or marriage – gives me a sneaking suspicion that I am going to be one of the unfortunate few left behind at the station. However, I am also acutely aware that some people never find lasting love and that there is definitely not “someone for everyone”. It is something that we all experience and have to ride out. I know that, at certain times in life, it is normal, even healthy, to be alone. This feeling follows me around everywhere and sometimes takes over my life.
My only relationship was an aberration being alone is my “natural” state. It is there for other people, but ultimately it is a privilege that I don’t get access to. I have always had a feeling that love and romance are not for me (embarrassingly, I feel myself tearing up as I write this).
Yet I am plagued by a sense that my loneliness might be terminal. Notwithstanding my faults, I think I am a reasonably attractive person – I have a sharp sense of humour, I am sociable and never wanting for dependable friends, I can tell a good story and I consider myself quite interesting. I live in a small and isolated place, which compounds the difficulty.ĭespite this, my self-image has improved markedly over the years. I am rarely enthusiastically attracted to people and the few that I have been interested in are usually unavailable. I have had a small number of encounters over the years, but they have been short-lived or non‑starters. I have never felt confident enough to pursue one-night stands, let alone anything more significant. I have always had quite low self-esteem combined with my inability to get over my relationship, this has meant I have been incredibly nervous when it comes to finding a potential partner. I have always had friends, but the failed relationship has weighed heavily on my mind for the past four years, to the extent that I still dream about it pretty regularly.
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